Little known facts about Chuck Norris

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

3. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We
know this beverage as Red Bull.

4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

5. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

6. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12
asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

7. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more
than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris
as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and
could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show,
however, so it was divided.

8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of
Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck
omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related
deaths.

9. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN
THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went
deaf.

10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer
only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance
Armstrong.

11. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few
seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and
said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can
"accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

14. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.",
then you are dead wrong.

15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"booya".

16. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
her into a glacier.

17. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon,
since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes
it to Oregon before you.

18. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for
one scene and nobody noticed.

19. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil,
who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it
coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

20. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

21. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact
change.

22. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also
has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

23. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just
bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says,
"I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

24. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from
"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris
having sex with Conan's wife.

25. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor
wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that was actually is "his" way.

26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every
popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just
because he's Chuck Norris.

27. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to
prove he isn't a racist.

28. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have
a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in
every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses.
That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.

30. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

31. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man
ate a fucking Indian.

32. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45
minutes having sex with his waitress.

33. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a
list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

34. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a
picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to
pay taxes ever.

35. Chuck Norris wears a mullet wig on weekends just so he can kick the asses of
those who make fun of him.

36. Chuck Norris can drop kick a small child 200 yards.

37. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

38. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.

39. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability
of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

40. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

41. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once
ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall
and had learned karate.

42. If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear
and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.

43. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you
know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man
blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a
fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

44. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped
people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck
Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

45. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the
best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst
mistake anyone has ever made.

46. Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains
undefeated.

47. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

48. Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear
his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less
painful way to die.

49. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.

50. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has
been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

51. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid
of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

52. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them
there was a stripper in it.

53. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

54. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit.
On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere,
streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An
embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a
beer.

55. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

56. Contrary to popular belief, Mary was not a virgin. Chuck impregnated her
and the result was a bearded man named Jesus that could walk on water and turn
stone into bread. He could not, however, throw a proper roundhouse kick. Chuck
abandoned them and denied that Jesus was his son by proclaiming that Mary was
a virgin. Everyone listened, because he is Chuck Norris.

57. Just to prove how bad he was, Chuck Norris crucified himself, forced
himself to die (because only Chuck Norris can kill Chuck Norris), kicked Satan
in the gonads, and rose five minutes later. Now he roundhouse kicks anyone
that doesn't call his birthday Chuckmas.

58. Chuck Norris is so badass that Oreos seperate in the package for him.
Chuck Norris only likes the cream.

59. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." 

60. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.

61. There is a 100% chance that Chuck Norris is your father.

62. Once Chuck Norris hits 88 miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious
shit.

63. While filming an episode of "Walker Texas Ranger" the director disagreed
with Chuck Norris. Chuck then roundhouse kicked the director in half.
Afterwards realizing they needed a director, Chuck Norris ejaculated onto the
ground, then out of the ooze rose a clone of Chuck Norris himself who then
went on to direct the episode. This episode won every single Emmy award that
year including best animated sitcom.

64. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the Down Sindrome out of a 13 year old
boy. 

65. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let
him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the
baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in
the stadium.

66. The term "carnivore" was invented after Chuck Norris was spotted at a
carnival eating babies.

67. Although the Chinese have a larger army than USA, they are reluctant to
attack because they know we have Chuck Norris. Reruns of Walker, Texas Ranger
haven't made their way to the Middle East yet.

68. Chuck Norris invented the measurment the "yard", as it was much more
appealing to say than, "Hi, my name is Chuck Norris and my dick is three feet
long."

69. In 1989, Phil Collins challenged Chuck Norris to a drinking contest.
Collins passed out after the 6th shot of moonshine. Chuck Norris went on to
drink 12 more shots and a pint of antifreeze just to prove Collins a pussy.
This, of course, led to the fall of the Berlin Wall later that year.

70. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of
life there.

71. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in
the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami
Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football
history.

72. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the
courage to tell him.

73. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

74. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

75. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

76. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his
own.

77. When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an
essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the
words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

78. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

79. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

80. At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the
doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

81. On April 26, 1986, after a private meeting between Ronald Reagan and
Mikhail Gorbachev, Chuck Norris was briefed by the President on Russia's
explicit denial that a being such as Chuck Norris existed. In pure rage, Chuck
Norris swam the Pacific, trekked across the Russian tundra barefoot and
single-handedly destroyed an entire town. Overcome by shame, the Russians
renamed it Chernobyl.

82. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win
the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of
Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from
the game UNO.

83. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to
him. Pirates never were very smart.

84. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

85. Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are
in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin
Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I
should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride."
Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because
of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I
believe... you are sitting in my seat."

86. Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died
because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris
tendon.

87. Most reported Bigfoot sightings are just Chuck Norris with his shirt off.
Loch Ness sightings, on the other hand, are Chuck with his pants off.

88. Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot
on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

89. After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal words,
"One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", Neil Armstrong looked to
his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on a lawn chair
drinking a beer. "Giant leap, my ass", Chuck replied.

90. Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass
and dares it to grow.

91. There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Chuck Norris,
and people who are going to die.

92. Newton's fourth law of physics: Don't fuck with Chuck Norris.